worthy

there is a part of me that wonders about whether i am worthy of love. i wonder if i am worthy of belonging. i wonder if i am worthy of being an example. i wonder if i am worthy of God's promises. before any of you, my friends start to worry. i'm okay. i just don't know my worth right now. i want to believe that i am worth God's grace. i want to believe that i am worth the love that other's have for me. i want to believe that i can be an example for someone. i'm just not convinced.

i work really hard and keeping myself grounded. i try to keep myself focused on the plan that God has for me. i try to live His plan. i try to remember the promise that He has made to all of us. however, even when i try, i can't seem to find myself in it all. i struggle to make sence of what i am supposed to be doing.

i hear so often people tell me to listen to Him. quite frankly, i can't always hear Him. i think there are more times when He is calling and i don't hear than times when i do hear. i want to believe that i am living the life He gave me but i'm just not quite sure.

so for now, i will continue to wonder if i am really worthy of it all. thank you to my friends and family for including me, even when i don't feel worthy.

love language

well folks, i listen to klove on my van radio. klove is a christian station. i am so glad to have found it. listening to good christian music has really enhanced and enriched my life. for some reason finding good uplifting, christian music that is not always "gospely", if you know what i mean, has really helped me to get in touch with the spirit within me. it is if having found a variety of God based music has helped me find the permission to be as i am. i have found through this music, that i can be who i am even with the imperfections. i can live in my humanness knowing that i don't have to be prim and proper, so to speak. it has been so freeing to come to this realization. i can be a good catholic christian woman and live right here where i am and influence the spirit in others with the understanding that i am as God intended me to be, imperfect. wow! this is huge for me. how has this music done this for me? don't know but i don't need to ask. we never know for sure how God will speak to us but sure glad i was listening the day he lead me to klove.

klove has been featuring a book this week that has me intrigued. it is called The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. from what i understand the book focuses on these 5 ways that we feel loved. there are 5 languages of love and we all have a primary and sometimes a secondary love language. at http://www.klove.com/ there is a love language quiz that can help you determine what your love language is. i am heading to the site to take the quiz after i finish here. each day this week klove has focused on each of the 5 languages. they have shared stories of people who have studied the love languages and learned so much more about themselves and the people they love. i am looking forward to learning my love language. i'm hoping that i can explore the love languages of my children and my husband. i think that knowing how they feel loved will help me to love them better. i'm hoping that it will help insure that i know my kids are loved in a way that they understand. now if i can just get a copy of that book. we are so broke right now so i just cannot justify buying it and the library here does not have it. i just know that God will find a way for me to have that book. stay tuned and i'll share how it influences my relationship with the people around me and thus my relationship with My Lord and Father.

one week in

well here i am one week into the biggest loser challenge. my current weight is 246lbs. yep that's right- down 6lbs. i am very proud of that number but know i could have done more. woulda, coulda, shoulda... can't look back to last week so i will look forward. rather thank dwell on what i could have done, i'm gonna pat myself on the back for what i have done. i have cut my soda consumption significantly. that is huge for me. those who know me would tell you that fountain coke is a staple in my diet. i am really proud of that considering i can have as much fountain coke as i want when i am at work. i've been taking my trusty water bottle in and keep fillin that sucker up.

as for eating, i wish i could say that i was eating all things good. i could improve here. i have stopped ordering that ever popular value meal. i get my sandwich or salad and water usually. i ask more questions and do more research. if i know that i'm going out somewhere, i try and plan what i will order before i get there. i feel like the longer i commit myself to it, the easier it will become. i hope!!!

and then there is the ever popular- exercise. i've got to get this body moving more. i am proud to say that i went to the y several times by myself and didn't quit. it would sure be easier to just say i did a bit and be done. i pushed myself. not sure if i like walking/running as much though. i think i have to work on getting a little less of myself to move. i do like the stationary bike but know that if i'm going to get the cardio burn that i need, i have to push myself.

i have had a minor setback in my exercise because i have gotten a head cold that i just can't get rid of. it is difficult to get my heart pumping when my head feels like it is going to explode. i will work though it and get myself back in the game. what does the future hold? remains to be seen!

biggest loser

well we have started the biggest loser challenge at work. i'm hoping that this is the kick in the pants i need to get myself in better shape. i weighed myself and my starting weight is 251.00 lbs. when did that happen? i could blame it on carrying three babies but really my youngest is 4. i could blame it on stress but i have lived my whole life with stress. it comes down to poor eating and not moving. yikes!

well starting today in this public forum, i'm gonna make some changes. i'm not going to fool myself into thinking that i can cut all the good stuff out. i'll still be eating my chocolate and drinking my coke. i'm just going to have to consume it in moderation.

my plan:
drink 6-8 glasses of water each day
exercise 4 or more days each week
cut down on fried foods(this is gonna be hard cause i work in a restraunt with yummy french fries, chicken fingers, and delicious onion rings)
tell myself that i can and believe it
accept that there will be times when i make mistakes and not let that allow me to give up
love myself every day

so here goes. i'll take you on this journey with me. today i am planning on working out here at home. kids are home on a snow day and the y kidzone closes at noon. i have some workout dvds here. i'm also gonna committ to doing at least 20 crunches between shows or olympic events. well, we will see how it goes. wish me luck. willing to hear any advice but please understand that i may not take your advice if it is not something that i can committ to. thanks friends!

resolutions

today marks the first day of 20-10. this is a day when lots of people make resolutions. sometimes we resolve to change our bodies or change or habits. others choose to change a behavior. i'm not one for new year's resolutions. i just don't think that jan. 1st needs to be the time when we resolve. i think our resolutions should happen when we need to make a change. if we resolve to change things in our lives all at once, they are less likely to take hold and really change us. we have to look at how and why we are making the changes.



if they are physical changes then perhaps jan. 1 is a good time. it is after all the time when we have set the holidays and family visits behind us. this is a time when we set our routines up and perhaps this would be a good time to consider physical change.



it the resolution is somthing that involves a habit, then we need to look at what the habit is. i mean if biting your nails is the habit you want to change, then consider that change during these cold months when wearing gloves and mittens is appropriate. although, it becomes more difficult to manicure your nails when putting winter wear over the polish while it may still be tacky. here we have to consider how we will go about achieving the goal.



if your resolve is to write something for the next 365 days, then today is a great day to start. the calendar sure does make it easy to remember when you need to undate your writing. you might also consider starting this type of resolution on your birthday.



so, if you have not decided nor want to decide on a resolution for 20-10, it is really okay. the day that we choose to resolve to change our lives is not as important as the choice to change and grow.



as for me, i promise this year to try and make myself happy and healthy. to some this may seem easy to do. the two for me go hand in hand. i think i will be able to find happiness when i find a healthy place to live my life. i'm working on it, day by day. i pray each and every day that God will lead me to that place.



for now, i resolve to make change within me. i want to change how i perceive myself. i also want to enhance the relationship i have with God and the person that He has made me.



happy 20-10!

my temple

so i went to work out today. i am hoping to get to workout more frequently. i am looking inside myself. what i have found is that i have to create in me a temple for the Lord to dwell. i have to work at the person that i am. it is no enough to work on the spiritual. this body that the Lord has given me is to be cherished and loved. i find that difficult to do sometimes. it is easier for me to say i am fat and ugly and move on from there. it is easier to maintain the idea that this is all that i am. the problem with that is this is not the type of place that i can have for the Master. i am capable of creating a palace. i can create in me a place that is grand. if i work at all that i can be then will i know that i have done all that i can do. i'm not working towards perfection. Jesus is the only true perfection. i just want to know that i have done everything i can do to please the Lord. i want to walk in the greatness that He has in store for me. i want to live the greatness.

yearning for a deeper connection

recently, i have been dealing with a lot of changes in the lives of my children. aside from starting school and the three of them in three different buildings, they have grown a ton. as i watch them grow, i am reminded of the importance of my relationship with the Father. i see the importance of Him walking with them as they are away from me. then i realize that i need Him to walk with me too. i know He is walking with me but i need to invite Him to continually reside in me.



how the heck do i do that? i struggle for "me" time and now i am considering giving that time to Him. and i crazy? well, yes actually i am but not because of this. i need to find a way to focus on Him. i guess in some way by giving the time to Him, i am giving it to me. i want to learn more about all that He has to offer me.



part of learning about the abundance that He has for me is delving into the study of His word. that is where we find the abundance. i feel like i just don't know as much as i can. i just don't seem to retain it like i wish i could. there are people in my life that are able to share scripture with me and it just comes to them. i'm lucky if i can remember the books of the Bible let alone what the Bible says with any definitive purpose. i have a general idea of the Bible's teachings but i am longing for more.



i want to live the example of what God has for me. i want my children to know the intimacy that God can have with them. i don't want them to be afraid to share the closeness they are capable of having with Christ. i pray that God resides in their hearts because of their own invitation. i can only be the example of that by continuing the invitation myself.



wow! did all that just come from me? really? pray for me!